Why DirecTV Can Suck It

I've been having marital problems lately. With my DVR.  I'm pretty sure we need therapy but that's too expensive and I just don't have time for all the jazz.

Anyways.

It's supposed to have the ability to record two shows at once OR one show while you sip your vodka and channel surf for the mind numbing stuff, like Teen Mom, or Housewives or in my Hubs case, Bonanza.  He's weird and stuck in the 50's and secretly wants to get in Miss Kitty's pants after he wins a duel out in front of the saloon.

Lately, it's only been recording one show at a time and not letting me change the channel when it's ONLY RECORDING ONE SHOW AT A TIME.  The damn thing is becoming high maintenance on me and is all, you've been working me too hard I think it's time you pick up some of the slack in this relationship.

Fine.

So, first I pamper it and talk real nice and offer to paint it's nails and buy it a new pair of shoes but it still refuses to work properly.

You've left me no choice, I'm gonna have to take it up with your boss, dickhead.  Apparently it's a hermie cause I just offered to paint it's nails now it's a dickhead.  I don't know.  I'm tired.

Call DirecTV and get bored after 49 seconds of talking to a machine.

Take to the innernets.  After searching forever for a 'contact us' link I finally find it hiding out under the bleachers smoking dope trying to escape the reality of it's life.

So, I send an email requesting help:

I am having an issue with my DVR. It's only recording one show at a time and it won't let me change the channel even if only one thing is being recorded. I've tried to reset it and would like this issue resolved ASAP as it's Thursday and everybody knows Thursday programming is the best and I don't want to miss anything.
Please help!
Thanks.
Happy Halloweeny if you're into that.
Otherwise, happy Thursday!

After I hit submit I get an error message:

Account number must be a valid integer.

Integer?

I already know I'm not smarter than a fifth grader, you don't need to point and laugh DirecTV.

I asked Google what it was and apparently it's just a fancy word for number.

I had a valid integer in there, or so I thought.  I just copied what was on the statement so I stupidly assumed that was a VALID INTEGER.

Well, guess what.  Integers can't start with a zero.  My account number starts with a zero.

So, after I get that little problem resolved I'm now convinced that I'm quite possibly one of the dumbest blondes out there.  Right after Paris.  Right before Britney.  I'm sandwiched between Paris and Britney.  That sounds about right.

I'm also now convinced that I hate DirecTV and their DVR's and their faces.

We'll see if they get back to me in a timely manner like I politely asked them to do.

Signed,
A disgruntled customer slash not dumb blonde
Teisha