That One Time I Attempted To Bargain With A 1300 Pound Animal

The other night was going down like any other night here on the farm.  The girls and I had just finished our mac-n-cheese and we were settling in for a stimulating educational game trippy Nick Jr. show with a side of pulling hair and fighting and making Mom crazy when I heard Lexi barking.

No, not my child.  My dog.  Same name.  Try to stay with me.

Look out my front window and what do I see?

A cow.

Prancing across my front yard.

Shit, am I drunk?

Nope.

Call Josh.

Um, there's a cow running across the front yard.  I think some of your girlfriends got out.

Then I decide I should walk out and investigate further.

HOLY DONKEYBALLS THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

Run inside and freak out a little bit and throw on my Wal-Mart shitkickers and throw the girls in the car so they can watch as Mommy gets kicked in the face tries to do something about the situation.

Alright, heifer, it's just you and me now and you need to be inside that pen that's like 200 feet I have no idea leave me alone away and you need to tell all your girlfriends and boyfriends that are currently loving their newfound freedom and prancing around like oversized ferries high on meth to join you.   If you do this one little favor for me I will tell Josh you are The Chosen One and can't go to the slaughter house and we can be best friends forever.  Kthx.

She/He IDK didn't listen.  It just looked at me and then I was scared to be trampled over by a 967845 pound moving death machine so I just looked away and stood still because that's what they did in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex was going to eat them.

Thankfully Josh showed up then which was awesome timing because I was ready to head back inside and just hope for the best, this way I looked like a good farm wife.

Josh also brought an entourage of wannabe 'cattle wranglers' so I didn't actually have to help get them back in, I just had to watch, which was super fun free entertainment.

Imagine a bunch of rugged cowboys dressed in flannel and Wranglers ... oh disgusting am I turning you on.  Barf.

Needless to say they got them all in.

The asshat cows had meandered all the way over to our neighbors field, which in city talk is at least three blocks away, but they herded them in Wild West style.

Fine, not with horses, with four wheelers but same diff.

After all the cows were back in the pen where they belong we did what anybody would do:

Get drunk on Coors Light while standing around in a circle in the freezing ass cold talking about what had just happened and the one time that Bobby Ray's cows got out and corn yields and tractors and bears OH MY ....

Oh man, I live the life.