That One Time My Victoria's Secret Happiness Coma Was Rudely Interrupted

I was in a happy place.

Just got home from work and I see the Victoria's Secret UPS bag smiling at me from it's perch atop the kitchen island.

Every time Josh sees a VS bag he also gets excited thinking that *this* is the time there's going to be a slinky teddy in it.

Nope, not this time.  Hang in there honey.

So, first I pee a little with excitement then promptly run to my room and strip down to start ogling myself in the mirror for an inappropriate amount of time.

In the distance of my mind I hear Avery playing in Alexa's room.

I also hear Alexa farting in the newly redone shitter.

That's when I see it.


I've come to plant eggs in your face, bitch

 Freak.

The fuck.

Out.

Scurry my ass out the bedroom door and into the bathroom to rescue Alexa from the throne.

Alexa, I can't explain to you right now why I'm half nakey, we have a serious situation on our hands, she says while wiping a poopy tush, in her underwears.

Ehem.

Moving on.

Alexa and I dash out of the bathroom.  Her bare buns, me in all my glory, and Avery clomping after us squealing in delight at the crazies running to the breezeway to find one of Josh's shoes.  You didn't think I was going to kill it with one of mine did you?

Run back into the bedroom to face off with my beady eyed eight legged tarantula opponent.

The little fucker taunts me and runs in between the nightstand just out of my reach.

You don't think I'm going to give up that easy do you?  You are soon to meet your maker.  There will be absolutely no planting eggs in my cheek or drinking my blood you rabid vampire alien creature.

Avery back up, we are not attempting to play with the spider, we are attempting to commit murder.

Alexa, get out of the way, you throw my aim off when you're CLIMBING ON TOP OF ME.

I considered having Avery try to get it cause she is afraid of nothing but then I decided I would most likely faint and die if it started crawling all over her and I just couldn't let the ambulance folks find us like this.  Avery munching on a spider, Alexa with only her shirt on, and me dead on the ground in my Hanes Her Way.

Anyweb.

I shoo it out by throwing something behind the nightstand forcing it to head back my way.

Miss the first shot.

Freak out and start screaming cause now it's pissed and running around like it just snorted a round (line?) of coke.

Avery's laughing hysterically at me and the spider.

Alexa's squealing cause she's just as scared as I am.

DIE.

DIE YOU ASSHOLE.

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I finally got it after, like, five shots with Josh's gigantic size 14 shoe.

Leave me alone.  I was scared, people!

Alexa and Avery both bend over to inspect the creature close-up.

I die a little inside.

Alexa then says my most favorite words she's ever spoken to date:

"Mom, can I pick it up with the paper towel?"

*Cue angels singing and heavens opening up and shining a light on The Chosen One*

Yes, child.  Yes, you can.  You can also eat Cheetos and chocolate for dinner if you get rid of that vile beast for me.

Just hurry before Avery picks it up and eats it.