Camping By Numbers

I think my subconscious is pulling this idea for a post from another blog but vodka motherhood has made me mental and I can't think of where I saw it, so if I'm accidentally stealing this from you let me know and I will give credit where credit is due.

OK, now that the legalities are out of the way I can get on with what will most likely be one hot mess of a post because I'm still tired and hungover from this weekend.  Just kidding, I'm not still hungover.  Probably not.  Maybe not.  Still drunk.

It takes exactly 1 hour straight through to get to the camp sight we always stay at.  It took Hubs and I more like 2 1/2 hours because we had to take care of 1,463,897 things we were too lazy to take care of before we actually left.

1 of those things was getting Josh some shorts because he's a whiny little bitch a hardworking man and a lot of his shorts are ruined from working outside in them.  Since we were headed in the opposite direction of civilization we had 2 options for finding said shorts:  Theisen's and Wal-Mart.  Yeh, we didn't find anything at either one of those places except for the usual shit you'd find at a Wal-Mart in Hickville, which includes but is not limited to:  people with missing or no teeth, children running around inside without shoes on, people that seriously can't look in the mirror before they leave and go 'damn, I'm looking good today with my muffin top bulging out of my shorts and my dirty white spaghetti strap tank top with no bra straining from the weight of everything under it that it's trying to control.'

We did do our 1 good deed of the day month year and helped a little old lady whose cart had got away from her and fell over in the bushes at the other end of the parking lot spewing out all of the 27 plants and Depends she had just bought.

Speaking of Depends I had 0 diapers to change and only 1 ass to wipe.

I consumed around 10,623 calories in the span of 2 days and the scale hates me right now.

Of those 10,623 calories 9,999 of them were liquid and the other 624 yes, I checked my math on a calculator...stop pointing and laughing, you're hurting my feelings were mainly chips and donuts.

There were 16 of us on 2 party barges loaded down with 10 coolers that housed approximately 700 cans of beer and 3 waters.  It was hysterical packing the coolers because I heard a few disputes between couples that went something like this: honey I only packed you 1 sandwich. why would you do that?! when I get drunk I'm going to need something to soak up the beer.  well darling, there is no room in the cooler because you filled it full with alcohol.

It was a beautiful 86-ish degrees and cloudy-ish but I got over that pretty fast, like, as soon as we got on the river I forgot where I was it was cloudy.

2 = the amount of times I exchanged my cute pink tank top with a dude's shirt that was in our crew.  His shirt may or may not have it did said 'One Night Stand' on it with a picture of a night stand.  Clever.  Good thing nobody brought their cameras on the boat because *what happens on the mighty Mississippi stays on the mighty Mississippi*, oh wait, that's right, I had somebody take a picture with my Crackberry that I promptly sent to Facebook with the caption 'Don't judge me bitches.'  I'm awesome and smart while under the influence of alcohol.

I had to pee in the river about 47 times and I started getting jealous of the boys that could pee off the side of the boat and I almost attempted to do the same.  I said almost.

I called 1-319-BIGASSHOUSE to try and connect with the owners of a, you guessed it, big ass house that's for sale on a bluff overlooking the river.  I still don't understand why nobody answered my phone call at whatever time it was, I had lost track of time about 8 hours ago.  It was still daylight, though, I do know that.

I woke up the next morning with 5 gigantic mysterious bruises on my legs.  Still don't have any recollection on how I came to be the proud owner of the bruises.  I do know it wasn't by people chucking bottles and feces at me like Tila Tequila had happen to her over the weekend.  Now, that's a bad day.

I also came home with approximately 435 mosquito bites.  They were being complete assholes.  They laughed in the face of 'Off Deep Woods' doubled up over some other Deet filled spray we brought.

So, what have we learned today?
 1) borrow the Depends from the old lady next time
 B) find some sort of SARS net to keep the mosquitoes away from me
 9) and, Tila - next time people are throwing stuff at you, get off the damn stage

Camping love,
Teisha