Today sounds like a perfectly good day for a birth story.
Lucky you.
Alexa will be four (!) in nine days (double !) and I just can't wrap my head around that. although she acts 16 most days but whatevs.
So, let's rewind a few years to when I was a fat, uncomfortable, non-glowy heifer.
Proceed with caution.
2:00 AM nine days before due date:
I wake up to pee for the 75th time that night but soon realize that the most likely reason I woke up is because I'm having period devil cramps. But wait, I'm preggo, not raggin', hmmm mysterious.
Denial ensues - I can't be in labor, I'm not due for another nine days and I don't have enough good karma surrounding me that would make me lucky enough to be in labor.
2:45 AM
Decide to time the mysterious cramps that have been keeping me awake for the past 45 minutes.
2:50
Ow.
2:55
Shit. Ow.
3:00
God this really hurts.
Check my notes. Hmmm, five minutes apart. Weird. I think they said to call the dr. when the contractions are five minutes apart but I just *can't* be in labor so let's just wait and see what happens. I've never been very good at following directions anyways.
Jump to 6:30-ish I finally wake Josh up.
Um, Josh, I think I'm in labor.
Groggily: Oh yeh? (that is not the reaction I wanted. I wanted something more along the lines of HOLY SHIT REALLY, ARE YOU OK, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU? but as always he was mellow yellow).
6:45-ish call the dr.'s answering service.
7:30-ish (sorry about the ish's I didn't write any of this down and the pain was pretty much running the show by this point) call my mom because logically when you're in pain you would classify as a 5 and your contractions are a solid 4 minutes apart and you're worried that the GD dr. hasn't called you back who else do you call?
Mom I think I'm in labor but the dr. hasn't called me back yet so I don't know what to do and I just went pee and there was blood, not like in my pee but you know, blood. Whatdoidoi'mfreakingoutwhatdoidohelpmeHELPMExcb.,mnasdf;qjhwe50^(#FIE!!!!
Mom tells me to relax and if the dr. doesn't call soon give him a call back.
I honestly can't remember if I called the dr. back or if the assholes finally put down their morning paper and called me back. They of course tell me to head in.
Whoops, I haven't packed a bag yet or showered and shaved (you heard me, shower and shave. I also did my hair and put makeup on. Like Kourtney K. I was not delivering this baby looking like a homeless person.)
Oh yeah, somewhere in there word had gotten out that I was in labor so Josh's farmer cousin/neighbor/moron of the day decides to make a surprise visit and he also has the balls to ask me if they need to get out the calf puller. Yeh. He's lucky to still be alive.
Pack a bag while holding on to the counter for support so I don't fall over from the ever increasing pain.
8:30
Set off for the dr.'s office.
Did I mention that I live approximately 40 minutes away from the dr.'s office?
This sounds like a good stopping point because I can already see you all losing interest since this is such a long post and I don't want you skimming through the best parts of it. Skimming pisses me off and at this point I'm in hard labor so I don't think you want to be pissing me off.
Labor and delivery sparkles for everybody.
Teisha
For the record I never, ever skim your posts.
ReplyDeleteDid you have the baby in the car? I'll be back tomorrow to find out.
I was not skimming and it's against the rules to have these "to be continued posts." I already know what happens though. And at this time I was at school telling all of my teachers that I might have to leave class to answer a phone call because my sister's in labor.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Jessica here. There BETTER be a follow up post... SOON!!!
ReplyDelete