My Long Winded Attempt To Get You All To Understand The Words That Are Coming Out Of My Mouth

I rarely check my statcounter anymore, since I was fast approaching reserving a chair in a statcounter's anonymous meeting, sitting around in a circle making out with coffee and donuts.  Also, I realized that I was quickly becoming a slave to the stats and worrying about the entertainment value of what I was writing rather than, you know, just writing poorly. 

Now, that being said, I checked it today (because I'm super duper busy at work) and was pleasantly surprised to find there's lots more of you out there (HI!) than my reader widget implies, OH and some of you are morons.

Examples:

1) 'new pear of eyes' was one of the search engine keywords that brought you to me.  You're a peach, just watch the typos they make me itchy.

2) There are about 47 image searches for 'dead plants'.  Really?  Seriously?  And you found mine to be the awesomest?

Also, somebody sitting in their slave trap cubicle at Proctor & Gamble came across my site.  At first I was all ZOMG I BET THEY MAKE XANAX AND THEY WANT TO GIVE ME SOME FOR FREE ... nope, apparently that's Pfizer.  Bummer.

Speaking of Xanax, while I was asking Google who distributes or produces or whatevs Xanax my belief that I'm crazy and need it was strengthened.  Also, apparently I've had panic attacks and just didn't know what they were because I'm afraid of dr.'s and don't want to tell them somethings wrong just to have them spit in my face and be all, 'you're fine get over yourself.'

Josh is the same way.  He doesn't understand when I walk into a room full of people I don't know (or do know for that matter) I pee a little and want nothing more than to walk to a corner of the room, lie down in the fetal position and start sucking my thumb.  Josh can charm the pants off anybody and be BFF's with a complete stranger in like 1.23 seconds.  No, I'm not jealous of that ability.  Maybe just a little.

My avoidance of talking to people on a day to day basis gives off the impression that I'm a total bitch.  I've had more than one person tell me when they first met me, they thought I was on the bitchy end of the spectrum.  Probably due to the fact that I overuse the side-eye and God blessed me with a naturally bitchy face, not a I'm-a-super-happy-person-let's-be-friends face so my first impression is always a fail.  But, I'm actually super nice and loyal and will do your hair and paint your nails and take you shoe shopping.

Anyways, I should have thought this post through before jumping right in.

This blog has become a great outlet for me to express my craziness and random thoughts.  Apparently I'm sorta funny, but most people don't know that because I'm scared to, you know, talk to them unless I've downed a couple vodka/sprite's (my new fave).  I love having this minuscule place of the blogiverse to reach out to the people in the innernet and not be judged (for the most part).

On to the point.

For those of you that know me in real life and read this and haven't sent me a break up text yet, thanks.  I love the everfartin' shit out of you.  That being said, I would like to keep this blog semi anonymous meaning facebook shout-outs, while much appreciated, are a no-no.  Don't make me put you on time out.

The reason being, quite simply, is that I have a shitslew, scratch that, I have a couple, well one in particular, of judgey people in my life that I would rather not have reading this waste of space because it *might* get a little personal around here every once in awhile and they would interpret me possibly needing Xanax as 'OMG, did you hear?  Teisha is an unfit mother, tell everybody you know and talk about her behind her back!'

I would hate to have to start censoring what I write because, like I said, this has been a surprisingly fabulous outlet where I get to be a narcissistic asshole while entertaining the pants off you and it's a win all around.  Or, at least, if I'm not entertaining the pants off you I can't see you scratching your head with a judgey stare on your face.

See, win-win-win as Michael Scott would say.