Chicago By Numbers

*Names were changed to protect the innocent*

Mom = my mom
Fabulous = Me, duh
Jessica = Jessica, my younger sis
Shayla = Shayla, my youngest sis

Fine, so no names were really changed because I couldn't think of any clever ones in the 2.3 seconds I searched my brain for something witty to fly out.

MOVING ON.

326 = round trip miles driven to get to destination.

1 = beer spilled on Mom's boots while filling the cooler before the trip.

3.2 = miles driven before getting lost and we had to remind a certain beer smelling - NOT INFLUENCED - driver she could simply take the next exit to get us on the right highway rather than whipping several shitters, risking life, limb, and good hair to go all the way back through town to get us there.

1 = fart a certain Fabulous emitted and was therefore instructed to roll down the window for the love of skunks only to be accosted by the freshly spread hog shit in the field.  That'll teach you guys to just smell my rosy shit rather than roll down the damn windows.

1130somethingish = time we finally arrived to Chicago Friday night.

16 = total number of luggage totes/coolers/camera bags/and all that jazz

25 = times I was made fun of for making notes on the crackberry regarding blog points about the wacked out trip (side-eye Jessica).

1456321374687 = miles walked while shopping our butts off.  Give or take a few.

362.10 = dolla dolla bills I brought thanks to the overflowing change jar I cashed in before we left.

-56.74 = dolla dolla bills I came home with.

20,845 = calories consumed in a 2 day span.  (Dear Giordano's: you rock my taste buds off)

1 = times Mom yelled at me for 'acting drunk' whatever Mom, all I did was throw my bread in my martini because you told me to and then proceed to eat it.

107 = minutes waiting in line to get to the top of the Sears/Willis/who gives a shit tower.

1,353 = feet in the air I stood out over Chicago and then peed my pants because that is some scary ass shit.

1 = awkward revelation that a certain someone has a certain ingrown toenail fetish which made me laugh for a long time. Still laughing and barfing, certain someone.

2 = conversations always going at the same time which may, or may not have, confused certain people at certain times.  Ahem, Shayla.

1 = drunken conversation regarding anginas vs. inginas vs. outginas which are a pen!s, logically.

0 = reasons I can think of to justify the ability to grafitti this blog with fuck and fart but I CAN NOT get myself to write pen!s.  For fear of, you know, creepers and wankers.

0 = pictures I took because I HATE MY CAMERA and Jessica took a hundred thousand with her Cadillac of cameras so I hope to just steal those whenever they get posted.  Hint hint.