That One Time I Boarded A Plane With One Tiny Terrorist One Angel And One Giant Baby

Writing this through my perspective would go something like this:

*Dear God: Please make them all stop whining OR magically make a cocktail of Xanax and vodka appear in my hand right now.*

Avery and Alexa's would be something along the lines of: *Dear God: Please get Mom a vodka before she starts hyperventilating and/or murder's Dad with her laser eyes.  And please tell Santa we want a Barbie dream house.  Kthx.*

While we're at it, Josh's perspective would most likely be: *Dear God: Please watch over my cows while I'm gone, man I wish we weren't going on this trip because now I have to miss deer hunting and beer drinking and all the awesome things that make my world go round.  Oh crap, gotta go, Teisha's getting hog tied by Avery who is attempting to take over the world.  I should probably help.  Meh, I'm having fun sitting here dreaming about home.  Amen*

Yeh, so, anyplaneticket.

We went on a trip that involved missing our first plane out of town (Delta called and said they weren't going to leave until 8 AM but then still left at 6:30 AM and apparently it's our fault for not being there at the scheduled departure time.  Lesson learned.  Delta = Doucheholes.)

It also involved a layover in Detroit where Avery found her true love: the moving walkway.

OMG Mom this is amazing we can go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for, like, ever.  I can also stand right in the way of all eleventy thousand people trying to get on the walkway because it's so fun trying to master the fine art of getting on it without falling over.  So. much. fun.

Avery, it's time to get back on the plane.

WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?  I DON'T EVER WANT TO LEAVE!  NOOOOOOO, I WILL KICK AND SCREAM UNTIL YOU LET ME REUNITE WITH THE MOVING WALKWAY.  I LOVE YOU MOVING WALKWAY!  I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!  Oh, Lion King is on.  Awesome.

Avery, we have to turn 'all electronics into the off position' for take off or the plane could crash into a firey heap of steel and cushions that double as floaties and you don't want that on your conscious.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THE INJUSTICE OF THIS WHOLE EFFING TRIP.  I'M TOTALLY GONNA SUE SOMEBODY BECAUSE THIS IS JUST SOOOOO UNFAIR.  Oh, a starburst.  Thanks, Mom!

Thank you baby Jesus for Alexa being such an angel throughout this whole process.  I couldn't have made it through without that blessing disguised as the cutest five year old on the planet.

Anyanxietyattack.

We made it in one piece and had a nice time with Josh's family doing the whole Christmas thing and sightseeing thing and swimming thing.

Side note - Did you know Pittsburgh doesn't sell alcohol on Sunday's?  Yeh, us neither.  That was a real fun discovery at 8:00 Sunday night when all I wanted was ONE BEER OMG IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

The ride home went about the same as the ride there.  I almost slapped a Delta bitch when she called me out for giving Avery M&M's at 8 in the morning.

Yeh, she's been up for four hours already and is completely frazzled and just ready to be home.  It's M&M's or possibly get kicked off the plane with an unruly toddler.  Fuck off you judgey bitch.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you.

And then, there was a BIRD! INSIDE!

Mom, can we touch it?

No.

Why not?

Because it's obviously sick if it's just walking around chilling out in an airport for crying out loud.

I want to feed it.

No.

Avery had had enough and passed out on the second leg of the trip home.  Thankfully.  For her sake and for mine.

I still don't know which would be the lesser of two evils: a 15 hour car ride with two people that would complain the entire time, (those two people being Josh and Avery in case you were wondering) or the plane craziness.

Probably the plane.